Doing What You Really Want

“Why am I doing this?” It’s a question I constantly ask myself.

Here’s a quick story – last Christmas we were at my brothers house. He had just returned from church with his family and I asked him how it was. He was non-plussed about it. So I asked him why he bothered to go, why spend the time and money? He said it was for his kids. So I asked the kids, figuring they must be thrilled with the experience; but they said they hated it and only went because their dad made them. I laughed and asked my brother that seeing as he didn’t want to go AND since the kids didn’t want to go, THEN why the heck did he go? He just shrugged and said he felt it was something they should do.

For years I lead my life on other peoples terms. Trying constantly to do the “right” things that my associates and family held dear, complying with their traditions, beliefs and values. And I was miserable to the core; massively unhappy and depressed beyond imagination. Because it wasn’t me. The things that made them fulfilled and happy didn’t make me fulfilled and happy. It took me a long time, far too long but better late then never, so shed the shackles of what others judged should be important in my life. I’ve learned to hate the word “should”, and took control of my life. I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been. Ever. Even though there has been pain in the responses of people I previously respected and held close.

To me, living life based upon what others value is no way to live. Death is but a moment away for us all, and there’s no prize for subjugating yourself. So I’m always challenging my decisions regarding how I spend my time.

There are things I do that I don’t necessarily enjoy, of course; out of obligation (such as tax returns), or as a concession or compromise because it’s important to someone I care about (such as attending a wedding or family event), or things that are tactically or strategically important to a longer range goal (such as working extra hours in order to get add’l time off for a trip). But at least I know why I’m sucking it up and doing something that I don’t really want to – it’s to get something that I do want.

The point is to be aware of what I am doing and why I’m doing it. I choose to live my life with joy and passion, doing things that make me glad to be alive.

What Would My Mother Do?

I was pondering something the other day, and a friend said to ask myself what my mother would think about it and how she would react.

Now, I love my mother, but the simple truth is that more often than not she’d make the wrong decision. Not out of malice, but out of a cultural and emotional heritage that is different than mine. Her advice on driving, cooking, religion, sex, marriage, and other topics has historically been 100% wrong as it pertains to me. It took me years of turmoil (and therapy) to come to understand this – that my mom is not an infallible parent from whom I need approval and acceptance, but a fallible individual who makes mistakes and lives life differently than me. Not right or wrong, just different. And that’s okay.

So I learned that you can love someone, while still thinking for yourself and making decisions that are right for you – as an individual, as a couple, as a family.

In thinking about my question, and about what my mother would do in the same situation, I realized that’s irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what she would do. It matters what I will do, based upon what’s right for me. If she approves, fine; if she disapproves, that’s fine too. I am an adult, not a child, and my parental relationship has transitioned from one of “authority” to one based upon “friendship” and individual equality. If they sometimes don’t realize it, then all I can do is continue loving them unconditionally, while at the same time not allowing their personal preferences to influence or control my life.